My first trimester...

Our Cam has the most stunning blue eyes. I didn't edit this photo at all! They are so captivating.

You might be surprised to learn that I have lots of blog posts that I never publish. If you read my blog regularly (all 5 of you) then you are probably wondering what kind of stringent standards I could possibly have. Sometimes when I finish writing I wonder if I just sound whiny or more dorky than usual... I always have to pause and decide whether it is a post that is okay to share with an audience or merely meant for my own therapeutic purposes.

But recently I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant with her first and is feeling terrible. That reminded me that I wrote a post about my first trimester with Cam but never posted it. I think it was such a traumatic experience for me that I just wanted to bury my thoughts away. But when I read it again it was good for me to remember what I felt like then. It brought back a lot of memories and made me so grateful that time can fix so many things.

[Let me reiterate that I wrote this a year ago...I am not currently pregnant :)]
Here it is:

The months of suffering, I think, have passed. I don't know how it ended up that the worst months of pregnancy coincide with the very months that you should keep the news on the hush hush, but it is a cruel joke. I don't know that I did a very good job of keeping it a secret anyway. Its kind of hard to when you are clearly showing at 5 weeks, stare at your food with contempt, wondering if you are going to see it again on the way back up, and walk Luke around the neighborhood with a listless look on your face while wearing clothes that neither fit or match.

I'm not going to lie...it has been an awful experience mentally, emotionally and physically. This is also something that I'm not particularly skilled in handling well. I fall apart when I get sick...it is really something I have to work on. The mental strain is the worst as I feel guilty for being a careless wife, a boring Mom, and a tactless friend. I have to mention that it didn't help that Andrew was doing his Psychiatry rotation during this time and would come home everyday with a new diagnosis for my mental illness. Of course, I'm pretty sure he was joking and the only one he has mildly been able to prove is arachnophobia. Sometimes it was kind of nice to hear stories about people who are crazier than me.

Okay, I'm only allotting myself 2 paragraphs to complain because I don't want to be a downer. In truth, there have been several blessings and spiritual insights that have come out of this (not to mention, I really don't have it that bad compared to other women...I have some friends who really really suffer and deserve a medal for their courage to have children). So on to the good things...

No. 1

Even though the second time around seems like it was worst than the first, this time I have a much better comprehension of the reward at the end of it all. I just have to look at Luke and I am instantly reminded that this is soooo worth it. I kept telling myself that the first time I was pregnant, but I didn't have a little bundle of happiness incarnate to look at each day.

No. 2

Hallelujah for good friends. I'm not very good at asking for help. In fact, I could be half passed out on the couch, wearing the same clothes I've had on for 3 days, hoping that Luke won't realize that he's watching the same DVD on repeat for the third time and won't mind just drinking milk all day..... and still I tell myself, "we're doing pretty good....I don't need any help". And maybe I don't need help. I know that this just comes with the territory sometimes. But I sure do want help. Friends have been extremely gracious in offering to watch Luke or cooking us dinner. One neighbor has not even blinked an eye when I show up with Luke on her doorstep and then run off to puke in peace. Another cooked me dinner WHILE SHE WAS IN LABOR (seriously crazy, that one). Lets face it, no one can do it alone. I appreciate their help when I know it was not convenient.

(Andrew deserves a shout out here too. These have been some of the most stressful months for him in school, but as usual, he handled it with grace and fortitude -and plenty of making fun of me which is mildly appreciated).

No. 3

I learned this great lesson on my mission that I tried to remind myself of often so that I wouldn't let myself get too depressed. There were a few times on my mission that were really really rough. The most difficult experiences I've had to date. The details aren't important, but it was hard for me to stay optimistic during those times and realize that they would pass and things would be fine. I worried and doubted at times (and probably cried more than I care to admit) but I never gave up and really did try to keep doing my best. With the perspective of time, I discovered that right after those trials eased up, came the best times in my life. Its like the difficult patches, carved a hole in me that could be filled later on with more happiness than I could ever imagine. I would never trade those difficult times for anything because I know that they made the good times even sweeter. I even found myself wishing that other people could have the opportunity to have similar hard times so that they would also know what it felt like to be picked up off your feet and shown something that you would never have had eyes to see otherwise.

Flash forward to now. I feel terrific now. In fact, sometimes I wonder why I've been whining so much the past few months. But when I was in the thick of it, I remembered that it is important to experience opposites. Its not easy to have kids (I happen to think its easier when they come out) but no one can deny that the joy kids bring FAR EXCEEDS any sacrifice. The more intense the pain, the more intense the happiness. I don't think you can have one without the other.

I end my highly dramatized discourse on the highs and lows of the first trimester here. But before I do, I would like to thank Little Caesars, McDonalds and a slew of other junk food makers for keeping Luke alive over the past few months....I couldn't have done it without you.

Brain Dump

1. Last week we made these yummy Butternut Squash Tacos. I love that you don't need a ton of ingredients and they were so good! So I snapped a picture...

Ingredients:

-1 med Butternut Squash, peeled, cubed

-2 Tablespoons Olive Oil

-2 teaspoons cumin, more to taste

-1 teaspoon salt, more to taste

-1 teaspoon cinnamon, ground, more to taste

-corn tortillas

-tomatillo salsa

-cilantro (optional)

-sour cream

-black beans

(any other fillers that you like)

Method: Dice the squash to about 1/2" square pieces or smaller. Saute in oil and add seasonings to finish cooking. Adjust the salt to taste depending on the size of squash. Heat up tortillas and enjoy.

2. Back in April, when our local Borders was going out of business, we picked up this bookcase for about $20:

After it sat in our kitchen for a couple months :( we finally followed through with our idea and made this:

We took off the vinyl shelves and added 2 or 3 inch wood ledges (can't remember the measurements) to keep the books in place. Then we painted the whole thing white. This has been SO much more functional for Luke (and he doesn't pull all the books off and throw them around like he did with the traditional bookcase). So if there is a Borders going out of business close to you, think about it. Although I should warn you that it may not be the cheapest way to go. All that wood was expensive!

It was after this project that I decided to be done with projects for a little while. The only space we really have to do things like this is the living/family room and it is SO stressful to be doing it with little kids (okay, 1 little kid) running around, playing with the hammer, etc. So I called it quits. At least until I have a garage or all my kids are in school (wonder which one of those will happen first...).

Have I stuck with this goal? Mostly. That's all I'm going to say about it :).

3. Melatonin.

If you read our blog, you know that we don't get much sleep around here. But lately it has been Luke that is waking up several times a night and is not tired at all. I tried phasing out the nap but that didn't really help and he really has a hard time getting through the day without a nap.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

yes, that is a hard wood floor

After trying a few other suggestions, one friend told me that she gives her kids Melatonin occasionally if they seem really worked up before bed or have been traveling a lot. Andrew gave me the medical okay since it is a natural sleep aid that is water soluble. There is only one problem: Luke won't chew the chewable tablet. We've tried crushing it in food etc., but we still aren't sure if he is actually ingesting it. So the verdict is still out. But I had to throw the idea out there anyway because it really should work (even if just a placebo effect). Find it at Whole Foods, give it to them 1/2 hour before bed.

4. We have been listening to this book on tape:

So far we really like it (almost done)! It is short, to the point, easy to understand, and full of sound advice. I recommend checking it out (I think it is only 3 cd's which is ridiculously doable). We want you all to have adequate retirement funds someday.

5 (last one, I promise). United Art & Education.

I might be really embarrassing myself here but did everyone know about this store but me? It is amazing! I could spend hours perusing all the educational games, toys and books. I've always wondered where all the creative, smart toys were hiding. Here they are (but they aren't really cheap so save up).

That's all I got.

Dear Luke

[Luke turned 3 a few weeks ago and I've been meaning to write down a few things about why I love my little man.]

Dear Luke,

I love your hair. For a while I felt bad that I passed it on to you because you may not enjoy fixing it when you are older. But it completes your personality so perfectly. You do things your own way. You are creative. You love everything that life has to offer. Somehow your golden curls fit you just perfectly.

I love it when you give me "killer kisses". The kisses that slightly feel like a punch to the cheek and make me wonder if I'm going to bruise. They don't feel great but I can tell how much you love me and I'm grateful for them anyway. Even better is when I get little sweet kisses on my nose. Usually when I am lying down next to you at night, in bed, helping you fall asleep. It's like you're forgiving me for all the mistakes I have undoubtedly made that day. Thank you for always forgiving me.

I love when I understand what you're saying. It is taking a little longer for us to communicate than I once anticipated, but I'm glad because I don't take your words for granted. Like tonight when I blew into your toy trumpet and you said, "No, shhhh! Cammy sleeping". I realized that there is so much more you know and understand - more than I sometimes realize- and I can't wait to hear more of your thoughts...

I love your kind heart. You never want anyone to be sad. You always care for your brother and never ignore his cries even when I sometimes tune them out. If I am ever hurt, sad, or crying you immediately come to cheer me up. Sometimes you even apologize even though it is not your fault. And then you show me how to move on. Leaving the past behind and focusing on the next adventure or task before us. You help me remember how simple life is and how much there is to enjoy. And your laugh is infectious!

Not everyday is full of exciting exploration, sweet treats, and friendly wrestling matches. Sometimes we disagree. There are timeouts and tantrums. Sometimes I make you do things you don't want to. I am pushing you to grow and teaching you limits that will benefit your character. But you are teaching me too. You have taught me how much I need more discipline in my own life. You have taught me that my words don't mean as much as my actions. You have taught me that my ability to influence you is directly related to the amount of time I spend on our relationship.

And you have taught me oh so much more than that....

I am so glad that we have you in our family. I feel like I've always known you (even though sometimes I have no idea what is going on in that little head of yours). You & me were meant to be kiddo.

Love,

mom

p.s. it has been over 24 hours and we are still binky-free

Binky, Broken?!

In a moment of profound courage today, I did the unthinkable:

We are no strangers to cutting binkies, but usually I have a backup on standby in case things get ugly. We have also tried having him trade his binkies for toys but that results in some strange passive aggressive behavior against the toys that always ends badly. I've been reading him the "Binkies Aren't Forever" book for months now and we've talked a lot about 3 year olds not having binkies (admittedly, these aren't really discussions...just me talking out loud while he is in the room).

If he freaks out tonight I will have to decide if it is worth a trip to the store to buy a new one. Now, I might actually do that if Luke's cries convince me he is going to need therapy someday. However, Andrew is on Luke duty tonight while Cam and I "cry-it-out" in the basement. Andrew will certainly not drive to a store to satisfy a binky-tantrum.

Wish us luck! We be growin' up round here.

I know this looks really sad, but he did just wake up from a nap in this picture so he was already a little cranky. Still, it broke my heart to hear him say, "binky, broken?". I can still hear him whimpering upstairs.

And just because I like to make you all feel like the best parents in the world -one blog post at a time- here is what I'm serving Luke for lunch today:

Heart-shaped cheese sandwiches fried in butter and topped with powdered sugar. I'm trying EVERYTHING to get this kid to eat something besides peanut butter or else we will never be able to hang out with our peanut-allergy friends.

So far, he's not touching it.

Cutting food into shapes is not unusual around here. You might think we are cute parents trying to be creative, but really we are DESPERATE as we go to great lengths to please our 3 year old tyrant. He prefers letters of the alphabet above all else:

"G". I hate when he requests this one

"P"

It's okay, I promise we're push overs for a few things but we whip out our backbones when we really need them.

Where Were You?

September 11, 2001

We were at the airport and Andrew was about to take off for a layover in Washington DC. He had just left the MTC and was on his way to begin his LDS mission in Milan, Italy. Andrew's grandparents were there at the gate to see him off (remember when you could go to the gate!?) and I was there too as a "friend". Although, Andrew made sure there was no physical evidence of my presence because that would be totally embarrassing. I took this picture:

Doesn't he look so excited! But shortly after I took this picture, our attention was turned to the television screen where we saw some buildings with smoke pouring out of them. I thought it must be something that happened in some faraway country and I refocused my attention on

Andrew (because I was inwardly dreading the goodbye). But then we heard the announcements and the TV's were shut off. Suddenly there was confusion and fear in everyone's eyes. Rumors started floating around the airport. People said that airplanes were going down all across the United States. I think I even heard someone say that one had hit the White House. It was under those circumstances that I said a quick goodbye and had to leave the airport immediately. Andrew returned to the MTC. It felt like the world was coming to an end or at least it would never be the same. [As a side note, I lost my airport parking ticket because I was so frazzled and they didn't even make me pay! That's when I knew it was worse then I originally thought.]

Well the world didn't come to an end but it definitely has never been the same. As that day went on I remember feeling totally vulnerable but somehow feeling strong at the same time. Especially as stories began to emerge of Americans who courageously prevented the White House from attack or Emergency Responders who willingly ran into chaos to save people they didn't even know. I felt proud to be an American.

As the years have passed there are times when I don't feel very proud to be an American. I know, that is an awful thing to admit, but when I hear stories of dirty politics or nationalistic arrogance I become easily disenchanted. Even though we are not perfect, I still am so grateful for this country and the freedoms and privileges I have from being an American. I know that they come with a price.

Today in church we sang The Star Spangled Banner. I almost lost my composure. I am so grateful that America didn't crumble to pieces as I was driving back from the airport that day. I'm grateful that there are so many wonderful Americans who value the Constitution and are willing to sacrifice their lives to defend it. I'm grateful for those who have suffered much to build a great country where I feel safe and know my children have a future they can work for. There must be a reason why I feel the Spirit so strongly when I think of my country and everything that has been done to preserve our freedoms. I know it is because God expects me to remember and be better because of it.

Love this quote I read today:

God can’t give us peace and happiness apart from Himself because there is no such thing.” — C.S. Lewis

Let there be peace in America today.

Yosemite

A million years ago (May) we went to Yosemite and I'm finally getting around to posting pictures. Gear up for a lot of photos of us in front of amazing waterfalls. May has to be the best month to go to Yosemite. The place was packed with photographers which proves my point. It was gorgeous. I know that Andrew and I are sort of travel bugs but even if you aren't EVERYONE SHOULD GO TO YOSEMITE AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIFE. I have no reservations about saying that it is a spiritual experience.

The only downside was that the first night we arrived it was freezing cold. I think it got down to 20 degrees. We stayed in Housekeeping which is half tent/half concrete wall. I honestly felt sick to my stomach as we unpacked our stuff that first night. It was one of those moments when I felt like the worst parent in the world because of what I was putting my kids through. It was SO COLD. But with lots of blankets and body heat, we survived and it was well worth it the rest of the 3 days we were there. The weather was perfect.

Half Dome

Lower Yosemite Falls

I'm glad that I am writing about this months later because I remember thinking while we were there how exhausting it is to camp with kids. It really is a lot of work. Especially with a 2.5 year old who likes to wander and a 5 month old who still cries a lot. But now that a few months have past I am only left with the fond memories of being all together with my boys, playing in the dirt and going on fun hikes. Having those memories is worth all the work. Plus I think I lost about 5 pounds of post-pregnancy weight.

One morning we decided to hike up to Upper Yosemite Falls (which is an ambitious undertaking with small children). It is a lot of uphill and Luke doesn't really hike yet so he rode on Andrew's shoulders and I carried Cam in the bjorn. I wish I could remember all the comments we got as we trekked along. I don't think we passed a single person who didn't say something. "Wow, you're amazing" (why, thank you), "wish I had a ride up like that kid," "I can hardly do this without carrying a child," etc, etc. In a way it sort of egged us on and we couldn't possibly turn back with all that encouragement. But I knew what they were really thinking in their heads was, "you're crazy!".

We met a really nice man with his wife who had a sweeeeet camera. He took a few pictures for us and said he would email them. It was really so nice of him and they were a very friendly couple to hike with for while. Later on, when he emailed the pictures to us, we realized he is the CMO of a major medical corporation. A really major medical corporation that shall remain nameless. We couldn't believe he was so nice to us little people. And I kind of wished I would have been wearing even just a little bit of makeup (I mean, we're hiking...who looks good when they're hiking, right?).

This is Vernal Falls. We have learned of several people dying here (just this summer) and I feel sick to my stomach every time I hear a new story. Even though they all left the trail, it is still scary to think about.

This is what we hiked up to get closer to the Falls. It was part of the trail but very steep, wet rock. This is where that "you are a bad parent" phrase came back with a vengeance and repeated in my head incessantly. I was so nervous especially with a wild card like Luke who has no fear and LOVES waterfalls. After getting close enough for a picture we turned around and booked it. I don't think we were reckless but in Yosemite you must have SO MUCH respect for the elements you're up against. I probably won't do this again until my kids are much older.

Vernal Falls from far away

This boy loved hugging the trees which was so cute.

This little stream was just about 100 feet from our campground. So perfect.

If you look closely, you can see the rock he is throwing in the stream...one of his favorite pastimes.

Lightning McQueen never left Luke's hand until the night before we left when it accidentally got lost on the shuttle. He is probably still in Yosemite somewhere if you happen to find him someday.

On our way home, we stopped to see the Giant Sequoias which were amazing to behold in real life.

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