My first trimester...

Our Cam has the most stunning blue eyes. I didn't edit this photo at all! They are so captivating.

You might be surprised to learn that I have lots of blog posts that I never publish. If you read my blog regularly (all 5 of you) then you are probably wondering what kind of stringent standards I could possibly have. Sometimes when I finish writing I wonder if I just sound whiny or more dorky than usual... I always have to pause and decide whether it is a post that is okay to share with an audience or merely meant for my own therapeutic purposes.

But recently I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant with her first and is feeling terrible. That reminded me that I wrote a post about my first trimester with Cam but never posted it. I think it was such a traumatic experience for me that I just wanted to bury my thoughts away. But when I read it again it was good for me to remember what I felt like then. It brought back a lot of memories and made me so grateful that time can fix so many things.

[Let me reiterate that I wrote this a year ago...I am not currently pregnant :)]
Here it is:

The months of suffering, I think, have passed. I don't know how it ended up that the worst months of pregnancy coincide with the very months that you should keep the news on the hush hush, but it is a cruel joke. I don't know that I did a very good job of keeping it a secret anyway. Its kind of hard to when you are clearly showing at 5 weeks, stare at your food with contempt, wondering if you are going to see it again on the way back up, and walk Luke around the neighborhood with a listless look on your face while wearing clothes that neither fit or match.

I'm not going to lie...it has been an awful experience mentally, emotionally and physically. This is also something that I'm not particularly skilled in handling well. I fall apart when I get sick...it is really something I have to work on. The mental strain is the worst as I feel guilty for being a careless wife, a boring Mom, and a tactless friend. I have to mention that it didn't help that Andrew was doing his Psychiatry rotation during this time and would come home everyday with a new diagnosis for my mental illness. Of course, I'm pretty sure he was joking and the only one he has mildly been able to prove is arachnophobia. Sometimes it was kind of nice to hear stories about people who are crazier than me.

Okay, I'm only allotting myself 2 paragraphs to complain because I don't want to be a downer. In truth, there have been several blessings and spiritual insights that have come out of this (not to mention, I really don't have it that bad compared to other women...I have some friends who really really suffer and deserve a medal for their courage to have children). So on to the good things...

No. 1

Even though the second time around seems like it was worst than the first, this time I have a much better comprehension of the reward at the end of it all. I just have to look at Luke and I am instantly reminded that this is soooo worth it. I kept telling myself that the first time I was pregnant, but I didn't have a little bundle of happiness incarnate to look at each day.

No. 2

Hallelujah for good friends. I'm not very good at asking for help. In fact, I could be half passed out on the couch, wearing the same clothes I've had on for 3 days, hoping that Luke won't realize that he's watching the same DVD on repeat for the third time and won't mind just drinking milk all day..... and still I tell myself, "we're doing pretty good....I don't need any help". And maybe I don't need help. I know that this just comes with the territory sometimes. But I sure do want help. Friends have been extremely gracious in offering to watch Luke or cooking us dinner. One neighbor has not even blinked an eye when I show up with Luke on her doorstep and then run off to puke in peace. Another cooked me dinner WHILE SHE WAS IN LABOR (seriously crazy, that one). Lets face it, no one can do it alone. I appreciate their help when I know it was not convenient.

(Andrew deserves a shout out here too. These have been some of the most stressful months for him in school, but as usual, he handled it with grace and fortitude -and plenty of making fun of me which is mildly appreciated).

No. 3

I learned this great lesson on my mission that I tried to remind myself of often so that I wouldn't let myself get too depressed. There were a few times on my mission that were really really rough. The most difficult experiences I've had to date. The details aren't important, but it was hard for me to stay optimistic during those times and realize that they would pass and things would be fine. I worried and doubted at times (and probably cried more than I care to admit) but I never gave up and really did try to keep doing my best. With the perspective of time, I discovered that right after those trials eased up, came the best times in my life. Its like the difficult patches, carved a hole in me that could be filled later on with more happiness than I could ever imagine. I would never trade those difficult times for anything because I know that they made the good times even sweeter. I even found myself wishing that other people could have the opportunity to have similar hard times so that they would also know what it felt like to be picked up off your feet and shown something that you would never have had eyes to see otherwise.

Flash forward to now. I feel terrific now. In fact, sometimes I wonder why I've been whining so much the past few months. But when I was in the thick of it, I remembered that it is important to experience opposites. Its not easy to have kids (I happen to think its easier when they come out) but no one can deny that the joy kids bring FAR EXCEEDS any sacrifice. The more intense the pain, the more intense the happiness. I don't think you can have one without the other.

I end my highly dramatized discourse on the highs and lows of the first trimester here. But before I do, I would like to thank Little Caesars, McDonalds and a slew of other junk food makers for keeping Luke alive over the past few months....I couldn't have done it without you.