week 28

Andrew has the laptop for a few days and the thought of writing a whole post on my phone is really unappealing (even if I totally have the time). But I did need to post something on the week 28 milestone! So happy that we have made it this far! Outcomes for the baby are better after week 28 ...they are actually better as each day goes by, but we were really hoping to make it to this point. There were moments when I didn't think we would. Thanks for your prayers and for thinking of us! I will write more when I have a real keyboard to type on and don't have to keep deleting and fixing the mistakes made by my fat fingers!

Week 27

Week 27! YAY!   (Scroll down for the most current update)

This week was mostly uneventful except for some pain and contractions that are more mentally frazzling than anything else. One morning, I woke up, got out of bed and accidentally pulled the tube out of my heating pad. Warm water started pouring out everywhere and for a second I thought my water must have broke. (I've never actually experienced my water breaking, they always end up doing it for me). I almost started hyperventilating until I realized that it wasn't coming from me. It was mostly funny.

I made a friend on the floor who is here forever like me. She doesn't have the same physical restrictions I do so she can walk around the hospital as she pleases. The nurses told me there was a Mom who wanted to get a group together to play games just down the hall. I got permission to go. It was my first time leaving the room in a week and a half. I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but walking down that hallway took a lot out of me. For a second I thought I might pass out. I was the only one to show up. But it was nice to make a friend that I have something in common with and she's really cool. Since she knew she would have to come stay at the hospital because of her condition, she was completely prepared with cute lounging clothes, a fresh haircut, arrangements for her other child all in order, etc. Ah, the things I wish I would have gotten done before my emergency trip to the hospital!

I started reading this book, Your Preemie Baby,that my good friend, Jen, sent me. She had twin babies at 25 weeks and has offered me some great advice and support. I have to admit that when I'm reading it, I feel very detached like I'm reading about someone else's problem entirely. It just doesn't seem like something that could happen to us, especially when all I know about having babies is nice big healthy little guys that you can cuddle and love almost as soon as they're born. I'm definitely have a hard time reading and feeling like it applies to me. But then I look around and see where I am and realize that I am only here in the hospital because having a preemie baby is such a real possibility for me. So I keep reading and hope it will all sink in. Sometimes anticipating a problem is more scary than living through it....I'm hoping that is the case in this situation.

I have to give a shout out to my rock, Mr. Andrew Stacey. He is so amazing and handles all this like a champ. He definitely didn't have room or time in his busy routine for extra responsibilities and stress, but continues to work like a machine and be my number one strength. Many would crumble under the weight on his shoulders (those big strong shoulders :)). Although I do have to tease him for a moment. The other day he was very upset because he got a tiny scratch on his cell phone. It was the most upset I had seen him since all this happened. After hours of him continuing to lament over how annoyed he was about the cell phone I finally said "Andrew! Look where we are! I'm probably going to be here for months. Who cares about the cell phone!". We laughed. It was displacement at its finest. I suppose he can complain about the scratched cell phone all he wants.

There's a lot a displacement going on around here. The other morning I woke up early and remembered that I never got around to buying my boys some new Sunday clothes and a few other things that they needed. I thought of them wearing clothes that are too small for them or have holes and how ridiculous they would look. Mother-less boys in clothes that don't fit. It was more than I could handle. I spent the next hour on the Old Navy website bawling my eyes out. Once again, I highly doubt that clothes were the issue, but I did feel much better after sending my sister with a shopping list to solve the problem.

There's a fair amount of intellectualization going on around here along with denial and all the other happy defense mechanisms. So glad that psychology degree is finally paying off. However, I digress. The point is that I love Andrew to death. There is no one I'd rather be with during this frustrating situation. He is the person I know I could go through anything with and be okay in the end. He makes me laugh and calms me down when I'm ready to burst. And he always makes sure I have lots of sweets to eat (even though he is the sweet tooth :)). I'm one lucky lady.

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UPDATE:

I had this post mostly written on Monday. I guess I was a little anxious to celebrate another week down. Starting off with the line, "This week has been mostly uneventful" was a sure way to jinx myself.  Monday night ended up being terribly eventful. After going to bed around 11pm I couldn't sleep because of some mild contractions. I just waited to see what would happen and after about 30 minutes or so they became wildly painful contractions. The nurse put two monitors on me: one to measure the baby's heart rate and the other to measure my contractions. It just got worse and worse. I was having flashbacks to my labor with Luke and the pain was pretty much unbearable. They checked me and said I was 1 cm dilated...nothing to be too concerned about. Then they offered me morphine for the pain and IV fluids to try and inhibit the contractions.

This all meant I would need another IV line placed. Blast my thin little Irish veins, they have not been very cooperative. When I first arrived two weeks ago it took the staff seven tries to get my IV in. SEVEN! This isn't like a blood draw (which I can now pretty much sleep through). These needles are large torture objects :). My veins kept popping and just about every nurse or IV team member who tried had their ego severely bruised (except for that one lucky person who was finally victorious). I've since had two placed lines that have failed after several days so I was lucky enough to be IV free for the weekend. But that freedom came to an end last night. Luckily it only took them three tries this time. However, because I was also having contractions simultaneously and was worried sick about this being the end of my pregnancy, I totally cried as they dug for a vein. Bawled, actually. I'm so mad about that. I hate crying because of pain.

The contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart for most of the night but the morphine took the edge off and helped me sleep. Morphine, you guys, is awful stuff. I just don't know why people would abuse a drug that makes you feel so terrible. I was grateful for the pain relief but the feeling of it taking over my body and then the after affects as it has worn off are completely awful. They had to give me Zofran this morning to help with the nausea and I have slept most the day. I feel like there is a heavy blanket over my whole body that I can't take off. I really don't enjoy that drugged up feeling but I didn't have a choice.

The doctors don't have much to say about this incident. Obviously, we already knew that the blood clot would be irritating to my uterus and might cause it to contract. They have no idea what this means for the future...except that I'm not going anywhere. We just have to "wait and see" which is a phrase they might as well just paint on my wall in big bold letters. However, this experience was an important wake-up call to me. It helped me realize that although I might be hopeful for a few remaining months of pregnancy, that will just not be the case.  The doctors may not be willing to admit that, but I think my body is telling me that. I have to get on board with a scenario that is far less than ideal. I'm praying to get past week 28. We would greatly appreciate your prayers that our goal might be accomplished.

Week 26

My view

Every Wednesday I get to celebrate one more week of pregnancy and every week is a huge victory. I figure I should keep a good record of what's going on so baby can one day read about all the drama she caused (I mean that lovingly).

Before all this happened, I'm sure a day lounging in bed with nothing to do but read and catch up on a show sounded really appealing, but as it turns out, it is not so great. Forget the stress and discomfort associated with the situation, sitting in a bed all day is driving me a little crazy. And the adage "sleep begets sleep" is absolutely true. For some reason I feel more tired and have a harder time concentrating than ever before. Reading books makes me so sleepy too. Exercise brings more energy, laying around all day makes you tired...weird but true.

However, I'm not complaining. Whatever keeps me pregnant for as long as possible is totally worth it. I just feel more grateful for the crazy days I had with my boys before I ended up in the hospital. All the books I never got around to reading before or time I craved for my own projects, really doesn't compare to playing with Luke and Cam. In fact, I wouldn't even mind cleaning a house right now. Grass is always greener.

I made myself a little schedule today with activities changing every hour or so. It's really nothing to get excited about but I think it will keep me sane. I keep feeling like I should really take advantage of this time and make the best of it, so I'll have to work on setting goals.

Surprisingly, I didn't even realize until yesterday when someone brought it up, that I can probably stop wearing the hospital gown and put on some pajamas. This past week has been so stressful and I have felt like the doctors were ready to slice and dice me at any moment (and they probably were to be honest), so comfortable clothing hasn't really been on my mind. But now that things are calm and feeling more long term (fingers-crossed) I think I'm going to stop negotiating the awkward gown/sheet and put on some normal clothes that lack holes in all the wrong places. I may even instruct Andrew on how to give me a pedicure. Putting on makeup still has a very low probability though.

Baby is doing well and the bleeding continues to be really light. I can tell things are looking okay for the moment because the doctors and nurses don't come in very much anymore. Being ignored is a good thing! Yet, I don't hear much talk of leaving anytime soon either. One of the doctors said that maybe if I do really well until week 28 they could let me go home. Then she said something about not wanting me to deliver a 26 week old baby at home. No kidding! I didn't even realize that was on the table. I think I'll just stay here to keep that from happening :).

I have to mention that when things are going well and I feel calm, there is only one thing that gets me emotional, and that is thinking of my boys. I wonder how this is all affecting them and if we will grow apart if I spend months in the hospital. Will I forget all the little things they like or will they totally change by the time I get home. Maybe they won't like my waffles anymore or laugh at my jokes. What am I missing out on?! It tortures me. Mostly I worry about Luke because he is older and is affected by change a lot more. He has such a sensitive heart. But I also worry about Cam because it is so hard to bond with a toddler when you can't throw him up in the air and chase him around the room. I only explain these feelings so people understand how much it means to me when friends and family go out of their way to care for my boys or make them happy. It means so much when I can rest assured that they are with someone who loves them. I pray continually that those angelic people will have extra special blessings for their sacrifice. They have no idea that they are lightening my biggest burden right now.

The Latest Turn of Events...

I wish I had good news to report, but the Stacey household just experienced a rather large turn of events. Last Tuesday, I started bleeding and had to be admitted to the hospital. We later discovered that there is a sizable blood clot behind my placenta that is causing the bleeding. It is medically referred to as a "placental abruption" but don't google it unless you want to be a little freaked out (that means no googling Mom!).

Needless to say, the last week has been a roller coaster of emotions.

When people ask me what this means and what is expected to happen, I really don't know. We just have to take it one day at a time and see how things progress. However, this is what I do know:

-If the bleeding stops and doesn't start up again, that is wonderful news.
-If the bleeding starts up again and is significant or is causing distress to the baby, I will have to have an emergency c-section.
-If the blood clot just stays put but causes irritation to the amniotic sac, there is a risk I could go into preterm labor.
-It is unlikely that I will carry the baby to full term....but anything is possible.

*I should probably note that this is not the type of blood clot that could cause me to have a heart attack...it is not in my veins. I have scared some people with the words "blood clot".

So I am just sitting in the hospital (one week and counting), hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. I am 25 (almost 26) weeks pregnant which is okay, but if I were to deliver now, the baby would probably face many challenges and be in the hospital for several months (though she is in very healthy condition in her current state). If my bleeding stops and the clot looks like it is decreasing, they will let me go home but life at home will not be normal. There will likely be restrictions on my activities that will require lots of help and assistance. Either way, this will be a major change for everyone.

I have gone from shock and horror, to severe worry and sadness, but have eventually ended up in a place of peace and an understanding that we will just need to face and accept whatever will come with faith. I am doing well physically and the bleeding is generally improving which is encouraging. But I also know that things could change suddenly at any moment. Not being able to take care of my boys is VERY frustrating and having to ask for help and let go of all my plans is SO HARD to do. However, there have been some tender mercies extended of which I will briefly list a few.

First of all, for some reason I knew that something was coming. I didn't quite imagine all this, but I knew something wasn't right and had even found myself flooded with thoughts a few times about what our family would do if I had to go on bedrest or if this pregnancy took a turn for the worse. I believe the Spirit prompted me that something was coming and for some reason, that makes it easier for me to accept.

Secondly, my friends and family have come to the rescue and overwhelmed me with love. A few have traveled long distances just to help and offer support. I have been shocked at how quickly they have dropped everything just to be here. Most importantly, many have prayed for us and I have felt the effects of those prayers. Sometimes I am tempted to be a very private person, and my first instinct was definitely not to start telling everyone what was happening. But as I began to realize that my bleeding was getting worse and I needed divine help, I began texting family and some friends and asked them to pray for some specific things. It was only after that plea for help that the situation began to improve. I could literally feel the power of those prayers in our behalf. I needed those prayers more than anyone will ever know.

Thirdly, before the cause of the bleeding was found, I was sort of in a dreamland, thinking that it could possibly just be a fluke that meant absolutely nothing. Some women do experience bleeding and, though it needs to be checked out, the cause is never discovered and it never happens again. I was sure that was me. But after they found the clot and I saw the looks on the faces of the doctors, I knew I was in trouble. I opened up the Ensign (a church magazine) to try and distract myself from all emotions I wasn't ready to face. Almost immediately, I read this quote:

"God's greatest miracle, is bringing eternal salvation to His children"

I was praying for a miracle, and still am praying and pleading with the Lord for what I want. The scriptures say over and over again to ask for what you want, so I will. But ultimately I know that this miracle may or may not come to pass depending on the will of the Lord. The true miracle is that even if it doesn't go my way, the greatest miracle is certain. My family will be sealed together for eternity, with perfect bodies, to live with Heavenly Father in a state of happiness forever. That is the blessing He is offering me and the miracle that He is certain to grant in the future, despite what happens in this life. Remembering this "greatest miracle" was the only thing that finally brought me enough peace to face whatever will come. Despite the fact that I am weak and have moments of fear (and plenty of crying), I know that I can trust the Lord. He has never abandoned me or left me comfortless. He may not give me every gift I ask for, but He always finds a way to give me some gift. And over time, I have come to see that He always gives me what I actually need most.

We do appreciate your prayers in our behalf and I will try to keep my blog updated with any significant news.

p.s. I have a great view from my hospital window....except that it overlooks a graveyard. Who's idea was that?!

Medicine Top 5

July 1st came and went without much celebration, however, it is the "New Years" so to speak, of Medicine. Andrew just completed his 6th year of medical training and is now in his 7th year. I like those meaty numbers! I hesitate to jinx myself by putting it in print, but I believe there is at most 5 years left (heaven help me if he decides to do a third fellowship). However, I really don't believe in looking forward to the "end" because I have no idea what the end will be like...might as well just enjoy the present.

In commemoration, I thought instead of complaining (as I am sometimes tempted to do) instead I will list the Top 5 Things I Love About Pursuing a Career in Medicine (since it is an entire family affair).

5. I feel young. Technically Andrew has a paying job and is not really a student anymore. But we still feel like we're living a student life. Maybe it's the tests, student debt, graduation ceremonies or medical books lying all over my house, but I still feel so close to college and the lifestyle of learning. I like that life. I feel comfortable here.

4. I get all my medical questions answered immediately. Sometimes we have to call a friend in a different specialty, but we have connections all over the place. When the kids are sick or hurt, they run to Dad, not me.  Every Mom knows that terrible feeling in the middle of the night when your child wakes up with a high fever and you don't know what's going on. I worry just like everyone else, but it's comforting to have doctor in the house. Plus, he has taught me a lot about how to communicate with doctors. This could be an entire post in and of itself, but understanding how doctors think and how I need to present information, has been very useful.

3. I sort of like moving. I don't love packing or saying goodbye, and I really don't love it when Andrew says we shouldn't buy something because "we'll just have to move it in a few years". But we're not really at a point in our lives where we want to feel completely settled. It is exciting to know that there are likely other places we will live and new friends we will make.

2. This is closely related to number 3. One of our goals in life is to do humanitarian work overseas. Our vision is spending maybe a month or two each year with our children in a third world country, teaching them about what real life is like for people who don't have access to great medical care and have substantially less than we deem "necessary". Medicine opens those doors.

1. I really don't worry about Andrew coming home one day and saying, "Sorry Lauren, I've been laid off". That sort of thing just doesn't really happen. And if it were to happen, doctors are always needed somewhere in the world. That is not to say that we still aren't preparing and thinking of other catastrophes that could affect his job or our ability to provide for our family....but with all the economic instability in the world, I'm glad Andrew has a skill that will never become unnecessary or outdated (unless we all stop dying).

So there is a lot to be happy about despite the long hours, stress, and lack of sleep around here. I am grateful for the road we chose.