32 Weeks and Some Birthday Business

This hospital has a really cool playhouse

Luke's birthday is tomorrow! But don't tell him that, because we aren't celebrating until Saturday. I'm so glad that I have something else to think about because I haven't heard the news I wanted to hear this week. Most likely they will not let me go back home and I doubt they will deliver me in that 34-36 week time frame. I don't expect anyone to understand why this is so difficult to hear. Isn't it enough that my baby is healthy and happy? Shouldn't I want to carry this baby to full term? Isn't the hospital the safest place for someone in my condition to be? These things are true and I am trying to focus on just being grateful that things have turned out far better than we ever could have imagined.

However, there are also burdens to be borne. Not just by me, but by many others. I don't feel like elaborating, but trust me, there is a lot of sacrifice going on right now and I feel the full weight of the sacrifices others are making. To think this could go on until late October ...well, you just can't imagine what that is like. Boredom is not the problem. Many people believe that boredom and being stir crazy must be the worst thing ever. But I was raised in a home where if you were bored, it was your fault. It wasn't anyone else's job to entertain me. So I find ways of staying busy. Not to say that they are the most productive ways or that I wouldn't mind a change of scenery. I definitely appreciate a visit, an email, or a good book to read, etc. But I'm not one to suffer much from boredom. Instead I suffer because I can't be a Mom to my children or of much help to my husband.

These guys are obsessed with taking pictures with my phone...they normally don't turn out very well.

Anyway, back to Luke. I have been party planning all week (thanks to amazon prime free shipping) and even though it might be the most simple birthday party of all time, it is definitely one of the most anticipated. Luke has been talking about his birthday ever since Cam's birthday in early January. It was so hard to explain just how far away his birthday was back in January. As my birthday came and went, and Andrew's birthday came and went...his anticipation only intensified. Last April, we made a paper chain to countdown to his birthday, but after about 100 chains, we both got tired and I told him we wouldn't be able to start using it until a few months had passed.

The boys might be going through a "binky rebound" during this difficult time. Luke says, "when people have people in the hospital, they get to have a binky." 'Nuff said.

I just love Luke. He really only cares about the cake and the party hats. I have asked him a few times over the last several weeks what he wants for his birthday. His answer is usually very random. One day he said "a rubber duck," another time, "an electric train with a green button". ???. On Monday he said that he wants shoes and something to put them in. That was my "I'm the worst Mom ever" moment because he has grown out of his play shoes and his Sunday shoes and is wearing his sandals everywhere he goes. What kid has to ask for shoes? I'm clearly not doing my job. But as for something to put the shoes in, there is already a place and he just doesn't use it...so I don't feel bad about that. Still, I doubt any other kid on the planet has ever asked for a "shoe organizer". Random. He makes me laugh. He also wants a pirate ship, a fish, and a toy castle so I guess his kid instincts are still intact.

I think I have the best boys ever. And somehow, even though they bug each other at times, they have ended up the very best of friends. It's hard to believe that it was only 5 years ago on that hot August day, that I walked around the neighborhood like a maniac trying to speed up the contractions that I woke up with. I must have looked so weird as I stopped now and then to bend over in pain. Later that day, we delivered the last of the thank you cards for my baby shower, stopped by a friend's house to help them move (I didn't lift a finger) and then Andrew headed to an AA meeting that he was required to go to for med school. In the meantime, I stayed busy by cleaning the bathtub (for some reason right before I have a baby I worry that nothing in my house will ever be cleaned again and I become an obsessive cleaner). I called Andrew near the end of his meeting and told him he needed to come home because it was FINALLY time to go to the hospital.

The next morning at 6:30 am, little Luke arrived.

He was remarkable.

We were positive he was the most lovable baby ever born. He smiled at 3 days old... promise.

That's how this crazy parenthood began. I wonder how I will tell the birth story of this little girl when she turns 5. I'll probably leave out all the sad and frustrating details and simply tell her that she was worth it.

The miracle of being a Mom is that I'll mean it.

31

We've made it to 31 weeks. It is also my 40th day in the hospital. Since being readmitted, I feel like we've figuratively had to scratch and claw our way to this mark...but we made it nonetheless. I'm experiencing more blood loss lately which is making things a little more miserable. Bleeding = contractions = iv fluids, monitoring, and pain medicine = nausea and no sleep = throwing up = feeling weak and terribly sick. Bleeding also means a low blood count which might be more directly to blame for that weak, sick feeling. That has been the pattern.

Last week the doctors started suggesting a blood transfusion. I never thought I would have a problem with a blood transfusion but when I heard the risks of contracting things such as HIV and Hepatitis, I freaked out a little. I know that the probability of getting bad blood is incredibly low (like 1/100,000; 1/200,000), but it's still hard to imagine signing up for those minimal risks unless I absolutely have to. So I told them I want to wait until it is necessary. So far, I'm hovering above that necessary mark which is where I hope to stay.

Those are the facts about me, but our baby girl is still just as happy as can be. She is amazing. It seems like nothing can bring her down. I really can't wait to meet this little person that I've grown so attached to throughout this experience. I've spent countless hours listening to her heartbeat and feeling her kick at the heart monitors. Hers might be the most anticipated birth of the century (but I'm sure all pregnant moms feel that way).

Lately, I've been feeling a little sad realizing that there probably won't be any more time for our family to enjoy being a family of four. I thought I had months of being with my boys and soaking up the time I have with just the two of them. When Cameron was born, I remember crying that first night back from the hospital because I realized that our family was forever changed and we would never have that same one-on-one time that we had with Luke ever again (hormones were also to blame). Of course, it was a happy change. After that night, I never looked back and wished that we only had one again. Never. Our family became infinitely happier with Cam. But yet, here I am again...feeling sad that our family has changed forever. Only this time, it happened before I was ready. Even though I haven't had the baby yet, I only see my boys for a short time each day. Soon, Luke will start school. Even though all these changes make me sad and I feel a little scared for what the future will hold, I know that it will all turn out okay. I'm sure our family would eventually feel empty and lost if we didn't have the faith to make these major life changes.

I would say that 32 weeks is the new goal, but one doctor (and only one doctor) said that if I make it to 34 weeks they might just deliver me. I'm hoping she is right because I don't think I can do this much longer. So I'm holding out for week 34. I was born at 34 weeks and I turned out okay so we will be extremely happy with that outcome. Of course, if she comes sooner than that, at least we are far from where we were at 24 weeks. This is a much more comfortable place to be.

30 weeks

Well, I was released from the hospital on Wednesday night after the best ultrasound we ever could have hoped for. They couldn't even see my huge blood clot anymore and the baby's growth was great. My placenta looked excellent (sorry I'm always talking about my placenta lately :)).

I spent 4 whole blissful days at home and started thinking about all the things I might realistically be able to accomplish before the baby comes. Unfortunately, on Monday my bleeding increased accompanied by contractions and it was significant enough that they had to admit me...again.

I will admit, I know I should be celebrating and feeling so grateful to make it to 30 weeks, but instead I'm discouraged. That's actually an understatement. Andrew won't say it but I can tell he is discouraged too. Just when we felt like our lives could be slightly normal again, reality hit us in the face. My body is tired and weak. I have to give myself pep talks to remind myself of all the reasons I shouldn't want this to be over yet.

I don't plan on being here another month. I'm rallying the doctors hard to let me go back home soon and trust me to come in when I really need to. If I can get stable enough with my bleeding and contractions I think they will agree with me. Even though I am disappointed, I am grateful that it is me who gets to experience the pain and not the baby. Sadly, it is either me or her and I'm glad it gets to be me for a little longer.

Man, what a depressing post. But it won't last forever so I'll stop whining...promise.

June Stuff

These guys are funny. They love costumes.

PRESCHOOL

A million years ago (that's what it feels like) Luke graduated from preschool. Of course, I forgot my camera and a friend kindly took some pictures for me. I was so grateful that he had a great preschool experience this year. He LOVED his teacher (still talks about her all the time) and I got to be really involved which was nice most of the time (except when I wanted to puke all during March and April ...and most of May #morningsicknessistheworst).

I think Luke has had a hard time this summer not having preschool in his life. Besides everything else that is going on, it really helped him feel independent and he absolutely thrived in that "structured yet fun" environment. I also realized that there are some people in this world who absolutely have a gift for working with children. I have no idea how his teacher did it, but she made all those kids feel like they were her favorite and the most important child in the whole world. They were running all over the place at this park and as soon as she told them to gather together they all immediately stopped and formed this little circle. Andrew said it was the most amazing phenomenon he has ever seen. I had to agree. I wish I could take her home with me.

The kids all sang some songs for us. 

I hoping this "I can't smile normal or look at the camera during a picture" thing is just a phase.

SWIM LESSONS

Luke took swim lessons. The last day they always talk about boat safety (this is his third session so we know the drill). I see it as paying someone to take him swimming for me since I won't be getting anywhere near a pool anytime soon. He loves it.

THE ZOO

We also went to the Toledo Zoo with friends. I think every zoo will feel a little underwhelming after experiencing the Columbus Zoo, but we still had a lot of fun.

I don't know if my friend will mind me posting pics of her boy, so just imagine a really cute little kid that Luke loves to play with. These sunglasses have been a lifesaver for Luke who absolutely hates having the sun in his eyes. If my kids end up hating sunny weather because they grew up in the overcast Midwest, I'm going to be very upset!

As my final project for June, I finally figured out a way to reasonably store all my kids' "paper creations" that I want to keep forever (with some advice from another blog I read). I've never been able to decide how much to keep and the best way to organize it. This method is so simple that it was a bit of a "duh" moment when I read about it. Can't believe I never thought of it myself.

(I also made one for little girl on the way...the "nesting" part of me was over the moon about it)

These tabs are going to continue on through high school but I ran out of folders. I have at least the next 5 years covered so I think I'm okay for now.

As for all the rest of the "artwork, etc" I took TONS of pictures of things that I knew I probably didn't need to keep but was still having a hard time letting go of. Now those can live on digitally.

I can't remember what all these things were but I was impressed that he designed his own scavenger hunt.

I love that he decided to draw me a picture of foods he doesn't want to eat. He is a clever little guy.

It felt really good to unload and organize all the paper stuff that builds up over time. I'm not sure if my boys will be as sentimental as I am, but I think they can handle one little plastic tote that represents their childhood. Now what to do about favorite toys, clothes, etc!!!???

*There was also a family reunion in June...that's coming up next.

Kirtland

*I'm home now and you would not believe how much I have wanted to play catch up with our blog. It is sort of nice to blog about something other than traumatic life experiences :). I'll go back to June...

June is just an awful month in one respect. June is the month when everyone moves away. It is always the transition time in the world of post-graduate education. I have never been in a ward (a congregation at our church) that didn't experience some level of exodus in June with new arrivals sprinkling in over the rest of the summer. Some years, we are the ones that have moved on. Other years, we get left behind and must say goodbye to people that, we are positive, will be irreplaceable.

After we found out that we matched at Michigan (which was the same week Cam was born), we took a little road trip to Ann Arbor to check out our future town. I remember feeling uneasy about the whole thing since I absolutely hate Midwest winters and we were venturing even farther north (I remember there was a huge snowstorm that weekend...the place definitely didn't make a good first impression). But I mostly kept my fears to myself. You can imagine, however, how happy I was when I ran into an old friend at church from San Jose. I had no idea that he and his family lived in Ann Arbor and it was sort of a tender mercy see a fellow Californian who was surviving just fine in the icy tundra. It has been fun to hang out with them this past year and see how a good friend from my teenage days has morphed into a great husband and father. It's a small world.

We were so happy that we got to spend the weekend with the Smiths in Kirtland before they moved. Since Andrew grew up in that area, he is always happy to show people around. (fyi, Kirtland, Ohio has many important historical sites in LDS history...just in case you didn't know).

In front of the John Johnson home

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We also went "to see the Amish" which is always sort of an awkward thing to do in my opinion. I always feel like I'm spying on them and trying to take concealed pictures through the window of a car. They are typically very private and I never want to feel like I'm being invasive or disrespectful of their lifestyle. However, Cameron and Brittny made this experience the best "Amish watching" experience yet. They had no problem pulling over the car and politely asking people questions. We got to go inside a few Amish woodworking workshops (which are really just barns next to their homes) and we had some interesting conversations. The Amish people we spoke with didn't mind answering questions about their lives although they didn't seem comfortable talking about religion or their worship services...which is fine. Seeing some of the wood items they create and the tools they use to do the job was really cool. But I didn't take any pictures. That would have been a little awkward.

Kirtland Temple

We will really miss the Smiths!

29 Weeks

I should come up with more exciting titles for these posts.

We've made it to 29 weeks. I have been in the hospital for a month! If anyone would like to guess what my hospital bill is going to be, I'm curious as well. Luckily, with insurance this is not stressful for us but I'm guessing that with a possible NICU baby on the way we'll be well into 7 figures by the time this is all over. Thank you insurance!

Today I'm having an ultrasound and depending on how things look they might send me home. When we first discussed the possibility of going home (last week) I was scared out of my mind. I am still not expected to carry full term and am experiencing some very painful cramping almost on a daily basis because of the clot. I am grateful that when things are painful or I'm worried that I might be going into labor, I'm in the right place and can get immediate assistance. I am also nervous about maintaining an appropriate activity level at home. Some doctors feel that bedrest is not proven to make a difference in my situation. Others feel similarly but that it can't hurt to stay off my feet when possible. I don't think many of the doctors understand the physical nature of being a mom of two very active boys. Just keeping them away from my stomach is a challenge and not being able to pick them up will be next to impossible. Striking a balance and letting things go undone is going to be a struggle at home.

Still, after all those reasons to stay (and they would let me stay if I insisted) I think if things look stable enough I will definitely go home. I miss my family and this would give me more time with them. That outweighs all the scary aspects of being at home. Plus, we live close to the hospital and I will probably have someone with me at all times. So lets hope this ultrasound is reassuring. I'm getting tired of this hospital room, nice view and all.



Last week, when I hit my 28th week, one of the doctors commented that to make it that far after a bleed like mine, was "atypical". I immediately remembered all the prayers offered on our behalf and felt strongly like we had just experienced a little miracle. In the past, when people have asked me to pray for them, I've always felt like it is such a small thing to do. Not that I discount praying, but I tend to put more of my energy into practical ways of helping or providing assistance. I don't think that's a bad thing. Obviously taking action and doing what we can is important. But this experience and being in the position of asking people to pray has changed my perspective and strengthened my belief in the power of prayer.

Honestly, there is nothing we can do in this situation. We are just waiting to see what happens. The doctors are ready to respond and react but they have no way of preventing whatever is going to happen. It feels completely out of our hands. I can't tell you how comforted we've been by those who have offered to pray for us. Those prayers have strengthened us whether or not we get the results we want. I feel like they have gotten us this far--and things are looking much better than when I first came to the hospital at 24 weeks. In the future, when people ask me to pray for them, I don't think I'll count it as a small thing.

Along with prayers, people have provided lots of books. I hope I have a lot of reading time left, because it is going to take a while to get through these :). In addition to books, we have been the recipients of gifts, meals, chocolate, beautiful flowers, play dates for the boys, gardening help, visits, phone calls, texts, craft projects to ease the boredom, housecleaning, movies, the list goes on and on. I am so grateful for such amazing and generous friends and family!