31

We've made it to 31 weeks. It is also my 40th day in the hospital. Since being readmitted, I feel like we've figuratively had to scratch and claw our way to this mark...but we made it nonetheless. I'm experiencing more blood loss lately which is making things a little more miserable. Bleeding = contractions = iv fluids, monitoring, and pain medicine = nausea and no sleep = throwing up = feeling weak and terribly sick. Bleeding also means a low blood count which might be more directly to blame for that weak, sick feeling. That has been the pattern.

Last week the doctors started suggesting a blood transfusion. I never thought I would have a problem with a blood transfusion but when I heard the risks of contracting things such as HIV and Hepatitis, I freaked out a little. I know that the probability of getting bad blood is incredibly low (like 1/100,000; 1/200,000), but it's still hard to imagine signing up for those minimal risks unless I absolutely have to. So I told them I want to wait until it is necessary. So far, I'm hovering above that necessary mark which is where I hope to stay.

Those are the facts about me, but our baby girl is still just as happy as can be. She is amazing. It seems like nothing can bring her down. I really can't wait to meet this little person that I've grown so attached to throughout this experience. I've spent countless hours listening to her heartbeat and feeling her kick at the heart monitors. Hers might be the most anticipated birth of the century (but I'm sure all pregnant moms feel that way).

Lately, I've been feeling a little sad realizing that there probably won't be any more time for our family to enjoy being a family of four. I thought I had months of being with my boys and soaking up the time I have with just the two of them. When Cameron was born, I remember crying that first night back from the hospital because I realized that our family was forever changed and we would never have that same one-on-one time that we had with Luke ever again (hormones were also to blame). Of course, it was a happy change. After that night, I never looked back and wished that we only had one again. Never. Our family became infinitely happier with Cam. But yet, here I am again...feeling sad that our family has changed forever. Only this time, it happened before I was ready. Even though I haven't had the baby yet, I only see my boys for a short time each day. Soon, Luke will start school. Even though all these changes make me sad and I feel a little scared for what the future will hold, I know that it will all turn out okay. I'm sure our family would eventually feel empty and lost if we didn't have the faith to make these major life changes.

I would say that 32 weeks is the new goal, but one doctor (and only one doctor) said that if I make it to 34 weeks they might just deliver me. I'm hoping she is right because I don't think I can do this much longer. So I'm holding out for week 34. I was born at 34 weeks and I turned out okay so we will be extremely happy with that outcome. Of course, if she comes sooner than that, at least we are far from where we were at 24 weeks. This is a much more comfortable place to be.