Don't Grow Up Please

This afternoon I took the boys to the playground. It was a playground next to an elementary school in an upper class neighborhood (and very religious, btw). For some reason there were lots of bigger boys at the playground today. I guess no one felt like going home after school. They appeared to be in two separate groups. One might have been a little older than the other but none of the kids could have been older than 10 or 11.

I overheard one of the groups of boys talking. I couldn't make out everything...just bits and pieces. Lots of swearing and overall talking about not very good things that I'm sure they would never be talking about if their mothers could hear them (listen to me! i sound like such a mom!). I was kind of surprised (not really surprised) that they all looked so innocent (and even a little nerdy) and I never would guess that such vulgar things could come out of their mouths. I must have been scowling at them or something because one of them noticed me before he was about to say something naughty and convinced the group to take off. 

I felt sick to my stomach.

Then I started listening to the second group of boys. Maybe they were a little younger because they didn't seem interested in talking about girls or anything remotely close to that. Instead they were challenging each others' manhood. "A real man can climb up to that branch up there!", "That jump was like a boy, look at my MAN jump!", etc, etc. And there they were - climbing and jumping off trees, climbing all over the playground (the parts not meant to be climbed on), seeing who could dangle their bodies from the highest point... it sort of made me laugh. They just teased and heckled each other to do one dumb thing after another. But honestly, do guys ever grow out of that?

Obviously, if I had to choose a group of friends for my boys when they grow up, I would much prefer the latter group although they kind of freaked me out too. But I guess I will have to settle for broken bones over vulgar bad boys. Is this what I have to look forward to? 

I cried. Just a little. I don't cry often and I'm always surprised by the things that make me tear up. Suddenly, potty training didn't seem like such a big problem after all. I usually am not so reluctant to let my boys grow up, but as soon as I saw what life was going to be like when they were 10 or 11, I just wanted to lock them up and never let them out into the world. Of course, it's not like I wasn't around kids like that when I was growing up. I didn't grow up in a bubble by any means. But I wasn't a boy. I don't even know what it is like for a boy. And even though I got through it, it is SO MUCH HARDER to think of them going through it. Being teased, feeling pressure to do what your "friends" do, not knowing who your real friends are, having no friends, having to stand up for what you believe in, feeling guilty for the times you don't... I'M SO GLAD that by and large I don't have to deal with this very often anymore. And when I do, it's not really a big deal because at the end of the day I go home to my family and they are really all that matters. 

Will my little boys survive? Will they make good choices and stick with good friends? Will they leave when they realize they're in a bad situation? 

I tried explaining all of my feelings about this to Andrew but he didn't seem worried at all. He just said we should look at it as a challenge and think of solutions to the problem. Such an Andrew thing to say. But even if we are the best parents in the world and teach them everything we know and prepare them the best way we know how, they still get make the choices in the end. And I'm sure they'll make some bad ones.  But hopefully lots good ones too. And we parents get to watch. And teach. And pray. And maybe cry a little more.

So tonight I am reveling in the fact that I am a mother to cute, little, innocent boys. I never want them to change. I know that is kind of a dumb thing to say, but I mean it tonight. I want Luke to be fun, kind, free-spirited, loving, pure, innocent, and not care what anyone thinks about him. I want to deal with tantrums, potty-training, learning how to walk, learning how to read, timeouts, not sharing, sleepless nights, kids that refuse to eat anything but sugar, kids that eat dirt...these are the problems I can handle. I wouldn't mind having these problems forever. 

Stay little. Please?

I can't remember what these two were doing, but I remember it was SO cute. I wish Annalise could live next to Luke forever. She would keep him in line.