So I'm not gonna lie...the last few days have been ROUGH. I don't know why it is always like this when we get back from vacation. The house is a disaster (and for some reason I decided to clean out the closets making it an even greater disaster), my boys are awake all night long (but they're nice and take turns :)), Andrew has been home for one hour in the past two days, Cammy cries every time I put him down and screams if I leave the room, Luke is still in starvation mode, did I mention that the boys are awake ALL NIGHT LONG, and to top it off I bought the wrong eyeliner and it forms a black cloud around my eyes after about 5 minutes. No sleep + black raccoon eyes = scary.
Today, all I could think was how much I would LOVE just a day to myself, or even just 10 minutes of not holding Cam and not hearing him scream because of it. I hate to admit it, but he was really buggin' me. My mantra for the day was, "One day he will grow up to cure cancer, or bring about world peace or something amazing and it will make all these days totally worth it" (really, I think I said this to myself at least 3 times). Okay, it was more like a mumble under my breath, "you'd better cure cancer one day". Definitely more of a threat than a compliment. And he's not even crawling yet.
But then tonight I finally had some quiet time to myself without Cammy in my arms (he passed out on my bed and I'm sure he'll notice I'm gone in 3....2....1.....:))
That's when the selfish demon that has possessed me all day finally got bored and left, then clarity settled over my mind. That's when I realized that when Cams grows up and leaves our home to cure cancer, I'm going to be a wreck. I'm going to wish he was 7 months old again and just wanted to be held all day long. I'm sure that I will crave another day just like today. Only instead of thinking of every way possible to put Cams down so I can get something done, I would probably be perfectly fine with holding him and letting the house go down the tubes. Being so desperately needed won't last forever, so I better enjoy it while it lasts. And all these little things that seem so important to get done really don't matter...Cams must be trying to tell me that.
Lets hope I remember this lesson tomorrow...
10 comments:
oh Lauren, I'm sorry. Sounds like you totally DESERVE a day off! a hot stone massage, a pedicure, the works! I find I always have better perspective once the girls have been asleep for 10 minutes. I think I need that time to destress and just sit and not have the noise and crying. At that point I always remember how much I love them, but it is hard to be generous with my thoughts right in the midst of the chaos. I'm planning on taking my girls to the library sometime this week. Maybe ya'll want to come along and get out of the house?
Lauren thank you for posting this. I needed to hear it. I really, really needed to hear. Well, maybe my daughter really, really, really needed me to hear it. ;) I wished we lived by each other and could "swap" kids for a day. There is so much I would love to sit down and catch up on with you and to ask you a bajillion questions about the last few years of med school and applications and the "waiting" game, etc.
I just posted a similar thought on our blog Lauren except I didn't think about the future. You may have a point there - we're going to miss these days when they're small. I don't think its selfish to want to get your other responsibilities done though! Our primary job is our kids, but its certainly not the only. We gotta take care of ourselves too!
I completely understand Lauren. I've been having several days like that since Steve has been gone. Ivan has been extra fussy lately and cries almost every time that I put him down. Ella has decided to stop taking naps, but isn't content with quiet time either; she always needs me to help entertain her and I feel guilty if I don't. I'm glad you have a better perspective because all I can think of is, "please! Just give me a short break!"
Those blue eyes are so handsome! Maybe we should have a little play-date with MacKay & Cam?
Love you MoCann...<3
I second Krista's comment about those gorgeous blue eyes! I can't wait for LE to meet him and fall madly in love. :) Then they can cure cancer together, right? Sometimes I daydream about visiting OH again, and all I would want to do is to stay at your house all.day.long. Would you be okay with that? I'm craving one of those sit-on-the-floor-sampling-chocolates-talking-about-nothing moments. Oh how I miss you!!
Lauren, I'm feeling for you right now. I can't imagine going solo so much with the kids. You need a supermom cape for Christmas. I had a talk recently with a friend about how physically demanding young children can be, but lack of sleep is definitely the worst for mood/patience levels (for me anyway). Not much you can do when they tag team you at night. Hang in there! One day you'll have a teenager you'll have to drag out of bed. :) Hard to imagine right now, huh?
I miss you already!! Wish you were here so we could watch the boys while you take a nap!! Love you!! You're the BEST MOM & SISTER!! :)
Oh, does that bring back memories about a little premie baby girl that needed to be held. But by then I knew how important it was to just hold you and enjoy you. You too would be up nights a lot but once the girls were home from school they would take over and mother you and I would sometimes get a nap (unless someone needed to be driven to games, jobs,YM or YW,scouts,etc.) I hope you can get some rest soon. Hopefully, they will be back on schedule by saturday.
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