Snapshot

T minus 9 days until we pull out of town. I have not documented my kids lives very well since moving to Ann Arbor, but we've had a great time. A lot has changed in the last few years. We bought a minivan, learned the responsibility of home ownership, stretched ourselves in ways unimaginable for a little thing called residency, and went from having hobbies to kind of not having any (boo!). That list sounds a little dull. We also added a girl to the family, made some amazing life-long friends, visited new places, and watched our kids grow up in what will probably be the first home they remember (at least for the boys).



I am so glad we moved here. I'll admit that when Andrew told me we matched at Michigan I smiled but my eyes looked horrified! It was definitely the coldest climate that we ranked and though high on our list, I didn't think it was a very realistic possibility. But I have no doubt that this was the place for us. I have grown some thick winter skin and a greater appreciation for spring, summer and fall. I even kind of like sledding and shoveling snow. I have learned SO MUCH from the people I have met here. Our little home has felt like such an idyllic place to raise our kids with the high towering trees everywhere and neighbors who are always looking out for us. We feel very lucky.

Residency. I'm so glad it's almost over. But I hesitate to write that because it sounds like life has been so miserable when it really hasn't been. It was everything that I was warned it would be. There were no surprises. It wasn't a desirable life for the long-term, but we adapted for the short-term and it was fine. I learned to never expect Andrew home for dinner. He is almost never home for dinner and I used to try and wait until 7, 8 or even later. Then I realized I was happier when I just accepted that he wasn't going to be home and fed the kids when they were hungry. I happen to dread dinnertime so I didn't like being alone for this part of the day. But lots of Moms and Dads do it alone every single day so who am I to complain?

Beyond just dinner, I learned to not expect anything from Andrew. Let me explain because that sounds terrible. I have an amazing husband who is totally willing to do things around the house. He is not a guy who comes home, turns on the TV, and zones out for the rest of the night. He always puts us above his own needs and hobbies. Always. He is literally an energizer bunny who will smack a smile on his face no matter how bad his day was, or how bad his headache is, and go take the kids to the park before bedtime. But he is a busy man. Even when he would get home by a reasonable time like 7 pm, he still had emails to stay on top of, research to work on, studying (SO MUCH STUDYING!), and a myriad of other things like meetings, phone calls, reviewing research papers, volunteer work, etc. His 'to do' list never ends and he is usually gone by 7 am the next day. I am a much happier person when instead of harboring resentment for the things my husband never has time to do, I just take pride in all the things I am able to handle by myself. Think of it as a healthy independence. Every spouse of a resident needs it.

Here are a few of the good friends we've made in Ann Arbor. Usually it is just the ladies and we are severely outnumbered by kids. We always get lots of stares! :)

Also, it really helped having friends who were/are in a similar stage and situation in life. It has been a life saver to be able to call a friend on a Saturday to see if they want to hang out because you know their husband is working too. I appreciate that I have friends who want to have fun and give their kids awesome experiences but also know what it is like to live on a tight budget. They are creative, generous, helpful and make me laugh. They will be lifelong friends. I'm so grateful that I could vent my frustrations to women who truly understand. But I'm even more grateful that they inspired me by their example to quit complaining, turn around, and get to work because my life was no harder than their own. And our weekly playgroups...like manna from Heaven!

That time our kids took over this poor couple's "yoga date". Luckily they were very nice about it and taught them some moves.

Now for a snapshot of my kids.



Luke just finished kindergarten. He is very clever, sensitive and creative. He loves to tease but usually doesn't take it too far. He loves to tell jokes (especially about butts or taboo noises...it's the age). He makes incredible things with legos. He even writes his own instructions sometimes for his very own lego creations. Honestly, he is much better at legos than I am. I am always impressed by the shear volume of things he creates. He can literally spend hours by himself, creating little worlds with legos or blocks, or planning a pretend day of school complete with posters and signs to hang on the wall. He asks questions all the time about how things work and I'm getting to the point where I must consult google quite often. He is SMART.

Luke is also a sensitive soul. He loves to compete and play  hard but he doesn't like it when kids are mean or rough and rarely do I catch him ever doing anything mean-spirited. He is sweet and still pretty innocent. He is very aware of justice and keeping one's word and reminds us all of these values on a regular basis. He is a great older brother. He desperately wants Esme to like him more than Cam (those competitive boys) and is always playing little games with her. That being said, Luke plays so well with Cam too...they are best friends and sometimes they are best foes. Luke is just starting to turn that corner of independence. I know it will come later for him than it does for other boys but soon he will not be my little boy anymore. I ache and yearn for it at the same time. So hard to explain. But he has been the very cutest little boy a Mom could ask for. I am so lucky. I am not pushing him to grow up but I am also so excited to watch him grow and learn new things. I can see how happy it makes him.

Cameron just finished his first year of preschool but honestly he probably could have held his own in Luke's kindergarten class. He is very well-spoken and smart. He remembers everything, is generally reserved but not shy, and is VERY sweet. He is the kind of boy that all the other Moms want to have over for a playdate (I hope that doesn't sound like I'm bragging...it has nothing to do with me). A mean bone does not exist in his body although he quietly knows how to get under his brother's skin. Don't let his calm and sweet nature fool you, because deep down he is a truly ambitious and competitive spirit. I can almost feel the drive to win pumping down deep in his soul. For example, lately he has been wearing Luke's skates around the house almost every waking moment and I'm almost positive it is because he wants to master skating before Luke does. He has a subtle way of talking about it, but I think most of his decisions are based on whether or not it will put him ahead of his brother. E.g., "Mom, Luke doesn't eat corn right? I love corn. Corn is my favorite food." (note: corn is not his favorite food). He is funny and is happiest when he has friends to play with (or better yet, his Dad!).

Cam always strikes some interesting poses. He is showing off his muscles here.

Sometimes I feel like I can use a sharp tongue with Luke and it hardly impacts him, but I have to be very careful with Cam. The minute my tone gets angry or impatient he stiffens up and I know I need to take a deep breath and be more gentle. He never needs a severe rebuke. He seems tough on the outside but inside he is a softie. He almost NEVER cries when he is hurt. When he cries, I know he is really in a lot of pain. The last time he threw up, he kept telling me in between heaves that he was going to be okay and not to worry. In some ways, he is strong as steel. But I know that he has lots of fears that he tries not to reveal. He lets it slip sometimes. The way he always wants me to go down to the basement with him. Or the way he likes to crawl in our bed in the middle of the night. Or the way he will make sure we have a meeting spot when we go to crowded place. Recently, I took him to the children's museum and somehow we got separated (very rare with Cam...I was having a heart attack). He found an employee at the museum and told them he was lost. Pretty impressive for a four year old. That is Cam for you.

I'm pretty sure I have a picture of Andrew making this exact same face when he was a teenager

Esme has personality. No one could ever accuse her of not having a personality. It oozes from her every moment of the day. One of the things I love most about Esme is how she seamlessly fits in our family. It is like she has been watching us for years and nothing surprises her. She knows exactly what to do. She knows how to plop herself in the middle of everyone during family movie night and shove popcorn into her mouth. She knows that legos are the most awesome toy ever and tries to play with them alongside the boys. She knows that family home evening is a time when all children in our family are supposed to act like crazy monkeys. She never backs down or seems shy or reserved but jumps right in like she owns the place. I love the way she always wants to crawl on whatever chair Cam is sitting in and share it with him...even if you try to offer her her very own chair, she doesn't want it. She seems so happy to be with us. Like she has been waiting forever to join the party.

Esme is very much a girl. She loves shoes, necklaces, babies and stuffed animals. But she also has a strong flair of tomboy in her. She hates when I mess with her hair and LOVES to run around and laugh like a hooligan. I definitely think that while she and I have a very special and close relationship, she would choose Dad over me at any time. She is always saying "outside!" in her cute little baby voice and she means it. She can spend lots of time outside (although preferably not with grass touching her bare feet). She loves baths, playgrounds, playhouses, her blankie, her baba (bottle...yes she still uses one much to my chagrin), hide and seek, running the opposite way you want her to, cheese, roads!, music, dancing, applesauce and did I mention stuffed animals? I was always a little scared to have a girl but words cannot express how happy I am to have Esme in our family. She fits perfectly. She makes me want to have a truckload of little girls just like her. Although it would be nice if she slept through the night! She is as spirited as her auburn hair would suggest.

That is us in a snapshot. Now I should pack up my house.

Do you have a resistant eater?

I have a million things going on right now between packing up our house, making plans for London and all the soccer games, swim practices, etc. It is definitely not the time to be writing a blog post. But I've been wondering if our experience could possibly help someone else and I want to get it written out before we move to London and my posts turn to other things. This is going to be long.

Luke crying at 2 years old because I gave him a peanut butter with 1/3 less sugar than normal. I had to scrape it off his tongue in order for him to stop crying. Foreshadowing at its best. 

Luke has always been a resistant eater (remember this post?!). Even as an infant he did not nurse well. When he turned 1, he wouldn't drink whole milk and eventually I had to give him Pediasure on a daily basis. He did okay with pureed foods and a few other finger foods but by 2.5 years old he settled on a handful of foods and those foods largely remained the same until he was 6 years old. Foods like peanut butter, toast, dry cereal, crackers and certain varieties of chicken nuggets. Other moms would notice his picky behaviors and tell me stories about phases that their own children went through. But for some reason those stories never resonated with me. I always knew in the back of my mind that this wasn't a phase. It was not going to go away on its own. I knew that unlike kids who are just picky, Luke would rather starve than eat a new or unfamiliar food. Period.

This certainly isn't the worst problem a child could have, but this affected our family in several ways. I'm not going to go into all the frustrating stories, but it was hard to deal with day after day and we often worried about Luke's health and well being. Over the years, I tried many different ways of trying to help him expand his diet. At times I tried to be more strict and offer rewards, other times I tried to just relax and let him choose what he wanted to eat. Nothing worked and every approach had significant drawbacks. One thing that I never felt comfortable with was letting him starve until he ate what we wanted. I received that advice from some parents while they quoted the adage that "kids won't starve themselves". But my child could go without food longer than I was comfortable with. I think there are cases where this isn't very good advice.

I knew when my 6 year old constantly came home from school fatigued and starving because he wouldn't eat anything during the day, that this was more than normal pickiness and it wasn't going to change on its own. I read some blogs online like this post. Luke is not autistic but the description of a "resistant eater" resonated with me. He was always very analytical of his food, noticing if it had black spots or strange bumps that made it a bit imperfect. His food choices had slowly narrowed over time, never increasing to include new foods. If pressed to try a new food, he would gag and be unable to swallow. I didn't know where I would find an "eating therapist" in my area and it seemed like the places I contacted were better suited for children who had suffered a mouth trauma or had an eating disorder like anorexia. Plus the waiting lists were ridiculous.

Finally, (and this must have been revelation because I have no idea how I came to this conclusion) I decided that Luke was very similar to someone who had OCD or anxiety (his anxiety is about food) and whatever therapy would work for them, would work for Luke. I was somewhat familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (I have a BS in Psychology) but I knew that I could not be the one to help him through it. We had too much baggage between us after all these years of food wars. He needed someone outside his comfort zone who would have a clean slate. Through the recommendation of a therapist friend, I contacted the Anxiety and OCD Treatment Center of Ann Arbor. Luke began seeing a therapist once a week in January. I should mention that Luke doesn't have an official diagnosis for any kind of disease or condition. He does not take any medication. I'm not really interested in labeling, diagnosing or trying to figure out why he had this problem though I have several hypotheses. For whatever reason, trying new foods is something that scared him and therapy helped him overcome that fear.

After getting to know each other a little, the therapist explained to Luke that his mind was playing tricks on him. She told him that it happens to people all the time and gave him several examples of things that people were afraid of. Luke thought some of these were really funny. She told him that his brain was telling him to be afraid of new foods but that he didn't need to be afraid and they were going to show his brain that new foods aren't scary. Luke is very logical so this explanation really worked for him. During every session, Luke and the therapist would play games. The therapist recognized that Luke is competitive and likes to win. Eventually she would stop him before his turn and tell him that he could not take his turn until he ate a small (I mean, very small) bite of a new food. She would set a timer and he had one minute to either eat the food or relinquish his turn. We started out with things that were very similar to what he was already eating. A new type of cracker or chip for instance. Slowly, each we week we ventured into more unfamiliar foods.

In the beginning the major foods we worked on were apples, carrots, and cheese. I can't tell you how SLOW this process began. In one of the early sessions, Luke gagged on the smallest bite apple every time his turn came around for almost the entire hour. He could not swallow it. The therapist would calmly tell him that it was a good effort but he needed to swallow the food in order to have his turn. As soon as he successfully got it down, she immediately rewarded him with a small M&M. Sometimes she would promise him a few M&Ms if he was really struggling. At the end of the session he could pick out a small prize.

The therapist was not opposed to negotiating with Luke. Sometimes she would tell him that he only needed to try a new food once or twice the whole session if he really didn't like it. Or if Luke felt a piece a food was too big, she was not opposed to cutting it smaller once or twice. If they ever reached an impasse, she always presented him with new options or choices so he had some degree of control and things could move along. In a way, it was therapy for me to see how she dealt with his arguing techniques and balanced the line between setting rules and being flexible. It was good for me to model her approach.

At home, in between sessions, we would continue to work on the foods introduced in the previous session on a daily basis. This was the hard part. At first there was a lot of resistance and negotiating. I had to work a lot on staying calm and unemotional. The timer really helped with this. It gave us a cutoff where we could just move on if things weren't going well. Sometimes we would have a hard time getting a game started so I usually had to start off with very tiny pieces or foods that were relatively easy for him. Once he was invested in the game, I would begin bringing in harder foods. I always tried to give him choices so he felt like he had some control. The reward system we had in place was key. In the beginning I knew the strongest motivator for him would be treats. This meant that he could never have treats other than after eating practice.

The beginning. Apples, cheese and carrots.

Slowly, after a few months, he began mastering apples and cheese (he still doesn't really like carrots) and once these foods became a bit easier, I made sure that he ate them everyday. He still would not eat them without a reward but instead of giving him a treat every time, I started making it a qualifier for other activities, E.g. "Before you eat dinner, you need to eat some apple" or " Before you can watch that show, you need to eat some cheese". At first this was a pain and I hated doing it to be honest. Sometimes, when he wouldn't eat, it felt more like I was being punished. But we stuck with it and eventually it got better.

The next step was to get rid of some of his old favorite foods and make the newer foods "the new normal". This part was also difficult. I didn't necessarily get rid of his old favorites all together. But now, instead of making him toast with PB for dinner, I would put apples and cheese on the table for dinner (in addition to whatever we were having as a family). I also ventured into other foods like cheese sandwiches and cheese quesadillas. Luckily, after a month or so he really started liking cheese so this became much easier. As foods became easier I would bring new foods for the therapist to introduce. Slowly our list of foods grew.

(a little clip from a therapy session)

We have now been going to therapy for almost 6 months. Here is a current list of foods that Luke can choose from. Some of these food are easy for him and some he doesn't like yet but will still

try. I keep the list handy so that whenever he wants a privilege like having a treat or watching a show, I can quickly think of something for him to eat beforehand. He has become so used to this now that there usually isn't any argument. However, he still likes to play games in order to eat a majority of these foods and generally his serving sizes are quite small. But I'm very happy with the progress. I'm getting a little weary of playing games all the time (and my other kids get jealous so I usually have to work everyone into the game). I won't lie, it is exhausting. But it is so much better than the situation we had before that I can never complain. It has been 100% worth all the effort. Slowly, he is not needing any reinforcement for a few of these foods which is very promising. Tonight he asked me if he could have some yogurt because he liked it. I wanted to fall on the floor and cry tears of joy (I did on the inside) but on the outside I pretended it was totally normal and got him some yogurt from the fridge. It was the first time he has eaten yogurt without playing a game or needing some kind of reward at the end. It was progress.

Perhaps most importantly are the changes I've seen in Luke. He seems so much lighter and happier. Part of this is because he is rarely starving and literally his body just feels better. He also doesn't feel as scared to try new foods and it is like an entire world has opened up to him. I expect that Luke is going to be somewhat picky for the rest of his life and I'm okay with that. I'm not expecting to go eat sushi with him someday. But I'm so happy that he is more willing to try things and doesn't carry this anxiety around anymore. I expect I'll be playing eating games for years to come but at least we have a method that works.

If there is anyone else in a similar situation and food "pickiness" is becoming extreme to the point where it is greatly affecting the quality of your family life, I would definitely suggest finding a therapist who specializes in behavioral cognitive therapy. It is a simple method, but it works and having a third party who held us all accountable and kept us moving forward was invaluable. If Luke ever complained about what we were doing I could tell him that "Dr. Amy" was the boss and he would have to take it up with her. It was nice to have someone else in charge (at least in his mind).

I normally don't like to blog about the things my children struggle with out of respect for them, but I thought this might be helpful to someone. I'm really proud of Luke. He is a great kid and is so creative and fun. I'm glad he is learning that he can overcome hard things at such a young age. I have never met anyone in person who has been in this situation, but if there are people out there I am more than happy to talk to you more about it if you just leave a comment.

Our Cyber Christmas Card

I never got around to ordering Christmas cards this year. Oops.

But if I did, it would probably look something like this:

It is important to note that I am not pregnant. It was poor posture and too much gelato :).

This picture represents very well what having three kids looks like most of the time minus the incredible backdrop (and that is when there are two parents around, imagine when there is only one). Despite the craziness at times, these kids make us SO HAPPY we can't even keep from smiling when we talk about them. They are amazing people. 

In way of a brief year review...

ESME (15 months)

Esme is a very adored child. She loves to snuggle with stuffed animals and is somewhat drawn to pink, but other than that she loves all the things that her older brother's love. She plays with cars, destroys their block towers, and is fascinated by legos. We are so smitten with her that our greatest fear is spoiling her rotten. She has an easy laugh and is very fun to be around. She absolutely never gives up when she sets her mind to something. She is the perfect addition to our family.

CAMERON (4 in January)

Cam (here pictured as a peregrine falcon) started preschool this year and is loving it. He is forming a reputation for being very easy-going and happy which makes him very popular for playdate invitations. I have to admit, he really is SO EASY. He is obedient, usually happy to do whatever we are doing, has a great sense of humor, and picks up on things really easily. I don't know where he came from but I am so grateful for his spirit in our home everyday. He does, however, know how to hold his own with his older brother and sometimes I forget that they are over two years apart. He knows how to get under Luke's skin without breaking any family rules which is another testament to his intelligence. This winter he will start playing indoor soccer and is very excited.

LUKE  (6)

Luke (holding Esme) is absolutely the sweetest older brother a Mom could ask for. He dotes on his little sister and is so excited when she does the slightest new thing. He has told me before that he wants to have 10 kids when he grows up (I can't wait to remind him about that when he is older). Of course, he also wants me to have 10 kids which is not going to happen :). Luke told me once that he wants to be a grandpa when he grows up and I am pretty sure he will be the world's greatest grandpa. Luke is a very diligent student in kindergarten and loves to learn. He often comes home and becomes Cam's "teacher" which doesn't usually go over very well but I think Cam will be well prepared for kindergarten whether he wants to or not. Luke played soccer this year and improved so much from start to finish...we were so proud. He is starting to pound out songs on the piano, can climb like a monkey, and is becoming quite skilled at legos. It is such a fun age to see all his emerging talents. 

ANDREW AND LAUREN

We have had the opportunity to do some fun things in 2014. For the month of April, we were able to go to Italy as a family while Andrew conducted research at a retinablastoma referral center in Siena, Italy. We also went to Utah (family reunions), Chicago, and explored northern Michigan. Andrew began his final year as an Ophthalmology resident in July which means it is our last year in Ann Arbor. Andrew recently accepted a fellowship position in Ocular Oncology at Moorfields Eye Hospital in London starting July 2015. We will be living in London for one year. We are really excited about the opportunity and feel like it will be a great experience for our family, but it has definitely added a bit of stress to our lives as we figure how to get our family settled in London. We are also preparing to sell our house and downsizing our possessions significantly. The next few months (or years) will definitely be busy.

We are so grateful for all that we have. We often find ourselves thinking of ways we can teach our children to be grateful and understand what a great blessing it is just to have a family, a home, and to live in relative peace and comfort. They think it is so normal to have such a happy and carefree life and we are happy to provide that. But in small, manageable amounts, we hope they will begin to see that the great blessings they have are not so common. They are blessings that are in need by many. We hope we can teach them to share their gifts willingly as Christ does for all of us. This next year, I hope our family can do more to see the people around us and recognize the ways we can help each other.

Merry Christmas! We are so grateful for you friends!

Love,

The Staceys

Chicago

We went to Chicago for an ophthalmology conference in October. It was my first time in Chicago which is a little embarrassing since it is only 4 hours away. Since moving to Ann Arbor, I've been to Italy twice and never Chicago?! Something is wrong here. Anyway, it was a fun trip even though Andrew could only be with us intermittently. Sometimes I look forward to these things and don't even think for a minute about how difficult it will be to manage with three kids on my own in a big city. This lack of foresight must be a blessing in some way. But there were moments when I definitely felt the stares from masses of single people around me wondering why in the world I would bring three small children to Chicago by myself. Ha! I tried to make it look like I had complete control.

i spy...

Balcony of our apartment. We rented an apartment on vrbo instead of getting a hotel room. Such a better option for our family.

I loved the location of our place. It was so close to everything and I could pretty much walk anywhere I wanted to go except church.

Cam gave some great faces this trip. He is always the happiest when Dad is around.

Next time I hope we can go on an architecture tour. It is a beautiful city.

Wow...we were not expecting to like Chicago-style pizza...it being the complete opposite of a real Italian pizza. But this won us over. It was fantastic.

My boys might have a slight pigeon addiction after their many pigeon-chasing experiences in Italy. We spent a lot of time at Seneca Playlot Park during the day when Andrew was away.

The Aquarium! So much fun. The boys loved it.

Give a kid a penguin costume and they will have more fun than actually watching the live penguins 10 feet away. No joke, a solid 25 minutes was spent pretending to be a penguin.

We watched them train the dolphins. Amazing.

There are a lot of things I don't have pictures of, especially the times when I was alone with the kids. I took them to the Children's Museum which was also amazing. It was a little bit further of a walk than I anticipated. On the way home, we walked along the lake a little and I tried to take pictures of the kids with my phone. But they were really bothering me by that point. I can't even remember why. Esme was not cooperating at all. I had her in the baby carrier and she kept pinching my face, poking me in the eye, or arching her back because she hates the baby carrier. The kids were really tired and not listening. Everyone wanted to sit or stand on the stroller and I felt a little like a pack mule. Someone saw me taking a few pictures of the kids with my phone and asked me if they could take a picture for me so I could be in it. Without really thinking I said, "no thanks" because I thought I would never want to remember that moment and what I looked/felt like in that moment. Five minutes later I totally regretted it. I should always just take the picture, even if my kids are driving me crazy and I feel like my annoyance is written all over my face. I'm sure it would have been a funny memory. After that I tried to change my attitude a little and lighten up. I'm still mad at myself for being so lame.

Anyway, I'm so glad we had a chance to go and it was a nice wake up call to what I might be in for next year. Yikes!